To clothe or not to clothe

So there we were one evening, on holiday in Spain, on our fifth bottle of wine (ouch) chatting to the chap that owned the farmhouse we were staying in and he recommended a really good beach down the road.  He said that a small coach picked up and dropped off in the car park every 20 minutes or so and that the waters were calm and crystal clear and you could swim with fish.  It sounded perfect.  I have two young boys and they swooned at the idea of swimming with fish.  So two days later, off we went.

20 Minutes into our journey through windingly beautiful mountain paths and tunnels, we arrived at the beach.  Two Euros each got us on the coach and we were transported down yet more windingly beautiful mountain paths towards the beach.

What a sight.  It was truly beautiful.  Calm waters as promised.  Crystal waters as promised.  Two restaurants – nice surprise.  Not at all crowded – suited me.  Little parasols and sun beds that you could hire for five Euros each – a little dear – but hey, we were on holiday.  We made ourselves comfortable, got our goggles on and headed to the delights of the ocean.

En route I noticed a few naked boobies – that’s okay, I thought, a lot of people in Spain sunbathe topless.  (Must have to cover those nips up with loads of sun cream though eh-?)  I also noticed that a lot of these women had forgotten to put on their bikini bottoms.  There was an array of waxed, shaved, Brazilian and Neanderthal.  It was only then that I had a good look around and noticed that a lot of the men had their todgers hanging out.  I had to sit down.  I had to sit down and get a good look.

Using the excuse of getting used to the water, I sat in the pebbly surf and surveyed the area around me.  Clearly the beach was a mix of both clothed and unclothed people, of all ages and all sizes.  However, most of the women had very good bodies and most of the men were very well endowed.  Not that I’ve seen a lot of naked men you understand, but I have viewed the odd ‘adult movie’ and I can tell you, if all else failed, these sun worshipping men had potential careers in the adult film industry.  It was interesting that our landlord had failed to mention this interesting fact about the beach – but then I do like a good surprise.

My boys seemed not to notice except for when the younger one pointed at an elderly gent, willy dangling close to his knees and shouted “Look Mum, look at that man’s big willy!”  The shame.

My husband and I are not naturists – don’t get me wrong – I enjoy a good walk in the woods but I tend to do this fully clothed.  Nor, am I one to flaunt my body.  I do have the body of an 18 year old, but I keep it in the fridge.  (Thank you Spike.)  I am also not a pervert but I will confess to thoroughly enjoying looking at all the different bodies, shapes, sizes, poses, and most of all confidence.  Because they were, all very confident.  And I envied them.  I’ve never had confidence when it comes to my body.  I’m more bouncy castle than buxom blonde.  If I ‘had it’ then I would most definitely flaunt it – no doubt about it.  I can completely see the attraction of not wearing any clothes on the beach.  Such freedom.  (Although I do worry about where the sand gets to…)

Sadly, God chose to bless me with appetite as opposed to attractiveness.  If there was a large hole in a ship and it was going down, I would be very handy in stopping it up.  If I was travelling with a group of friends and we were kidnapped by cannibals – my friends’ chances of survival would be greater as surely, I would be the tastier, more fulfilling option.  So, in terms of body ‘performance’ – I do have my plus points.

Although finding these naked specimens on the beach was a surprise, it did not detract from the enjoyment of the beautiful Mediterranean ocean and indeed, we swam with and even fed the fish.  They were almost frenzied by a slice of bread – on piranha scale – and at times it was intimidating.  However, it was no more intimidating than standing next to a beautiful woman with a size 30 inch waist, tiny little hips, 32DD boobies and the most beautiful all over tan.  Sigh.

In order to continue my study of the human body, we visited the same beach three times in total whilst we were on holiday and were never disappointed.  On the last day I took my binoculars.  There was a small ship on the horizon that needed a good looking at…

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